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  • Writer's picturejodi

Eve of Fifty

Updated: Mar 17

In the weeks leading up to my birthday,

the phrase “A Lady Never Tells Her Age” kept playing through my mind.

It is a phrase that I have heard my entire life.

As recent as the day before my birthday a comment rolled off of someones tongue with ease…

“Ugh, don’t tell anyone how old you are”.

It is no wonder I broached the “number”subject leading up to this milestone birthday.

I was stepping toward this birthday with trepidation, until I realized that there was no good reason for it.


Aging with women (and I say ‘women’ because that is the only truth that I can speak from) has always appeared to be a shameful thing, yet something that no woman can avoid.

Perhaps that shame of aging isn’t relevant in all circles of humans, but it is in many.

It is heavy in an industry that had shaped much of my inner dialogue.

The same industry that told me at an audition “not to gain ANY weight” because I was already “kinda hip-pie” ~ yes, that happens with childbearing and I was only a Hollywood Size Two.

And “You can’t get any bigger, you’re pushing it already”. Yes, still a Size Two.

And how about this one… “You’re not the worlds thinnest model”, even though I wasn’t in the studio as a model at all, I was there for ACTOR Headshots. And no, not a Size 2, at this point I was a Size 4.


Imagine the horror of my inner dialogue as that clothing rack number changed with Age, hormones and the heaviness of this Life.


How or why can something that you cannot avoid, such as age, cause shame?

And why does shame even enter the heart or mind over something that is the natural progression of life?

It’s bewildering and the negativity behind it can become a vicious inner dialogue cycle indeed.

But why?


Fifty & Fabulous is a phrase that has been brought to my attention as of late.

This phrase holds power.

Fifty & Fabulous.

I believe the reason for this is that perhaps it takes that many years to acknowledge how fabulous you actually are.

You. The person.

Not your accolades. Not your physical appearance.

Not the titles you carry but the person at the depth of your soul.

It may take that many years to find the capacity within yourself to sit back & really look at ALL of the challenges & struggles that you have endured, often in tears of silence, often unknown to others, often alone.

To sit back & acknowledge “holy shit, I am a force”.

It may perhaps take this many years to accept that you are better than the shit that others can dish out.

It may take this many years to recognize that you are worth more than the garbage you may be served.

It may take this many years to realize that you can say “no” to anything that doesn’t serve you well, without excuses, without justification, without burden of guilt or discomfort.

It may take this many years to commit to yourself that you will stand up and walk away from a table that does not serve your soul anything of nutritional value.

Perhaps it takes this many years to draw a line in a sand that you will not cross any longer.

This many years to respect yourself enough to not mirror the negativity that you are served but,

to be strong enough to stay consistent with the light that you know you are designed to be.

It is perhaps, that it takes this many years to come face to face with your own bullshit.

To look yourself squarely in the eyes and say 'enough is enough'.

This many years to squash the ingrained negative internal dialogue that plays on repeat because you finally realize that all you need to do is unplug the turntable.

It may take this many years before you fully realize that any internal dialogue that is as disparaging as the phrase “a lady never tells her age” should have never taken up space in your mind.


Perhaps it may be that when you get to this age, you realize you’ve spent the first half or more of this time on earth wanting to be older but being told that you’re too young. And then the other portion of this time being told that you’re too old for one thing or another.

So perhaps it’s at this age that you realize that you can say “f@%K ALL of that, I’m going to break barriers, create new paths, journey on in the direction that my soul craves, despite age or the eyebrows it may raise”.


On my Eve of Fifty I was looking back on my life… reminiscing, questioning, contemplating and discovering that I am in awe of all of the experiences, good and bad, that have made me who I am.

And I will not call this hindsight, because to me that implies just glancing back over my shoulder and being intrinsically graced with a new vision. That is not what this is.

It has been hard work analyzing all of these experiences.

So many of them out of my control. Some serendipitous, some disheartening. Some filled with joy and elation, others with sadness & despair. Pluses and minuses. Good choices. Bad choices. Lack of choices.

Optimistic fate, cruel twists of fate.

Whichever way the pendulum swung it unequivocally led me to where I am now in this moment.

All of it allowed me to sashay through the door into this age with the calm heart and the calm mind that I now possess.

Perhaps it is at this age that I am truly cognizant as to why I behaved in ways that I did, why I allowed for things to happen, why I was not always active in standing up for myself.

Perhaps it is at this age that I release the accountability that entraps my heart over circumstance that I could not control. Perhaps it is at this age that I release forgiveness towards myself for misstep’s that I could control. Perhaps it is at this age that I truly forgive myself for not knowing what I didn’t know.

I must admit that I am disappointed of the times that I gave permission to others to use their words or actions as a weapon to inflict pain on my heart & soul.

Wounds that I bandaged, but wounds that never fully healed.

Perhaps it is now, at this age, that I will staunch the bleeding.

Perhaps it is now, at this age, in this era, that I will not give that control away ever again.

I have felt disappointment over the times that I have carried the burden of guilt or the weight of shame based on others perceptions or mindset. This is the age when I realize that I never should have done so.


I no longer will.

I release it all.


On my Eve of Fifty I relinquished all of that burden and vowed to myself to never be ashamed of my age, my person or my soul.

I also granted myself the gift of pure forgiveness.

At this moment, despite your age, I encourage you to celebrate yourself and do the very same.


jj

xox


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