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  • Writer's picturejodi

Transformation Tuesday

Transformation Tuesday.

What does that mean?

Well, if you search the hashtag you find a bunch of photos of people displaying their physical bodies.

People who have done a ton of work to transform their physical bodies. And kudos to them. That'a amazing. A commitment. A ton of dedication.

But I think transformation is more than our physical bodies.

I remember a time when I was FIT as F8ck! I didn't have a six pack of Abs, I had an Eight Pack. IT was work. I monitored every thing I put into my mouth. I cooked separate meals for myself and my family. Working out on the daily was my jam. It was great.

Or was it?

Was I happier?

Was I a better person?

Was my life any better?

In truth, I was harder on myself, more critical, more judgemental.

When I look at the photo that I posted with this blog drop I remember being ridiculously self conscious that I looked fat.

Like what the actual f8ck?!

I was fit. Barely any fat on those bones whatsoever. Not even close to being fat. What I was I thinking?

My bikini was custom made because off the rack fit oddly on me. or at least I thought it did. Where did my mindset come from? Was it society? Magazines? Photoshop? Movies? Industry that told me in an audition to “not gain ANY weight because you’re already kinda pushing it, You're already kinda hippy”. I was 125LBS, standing at a little over 5' 7". Or Perhaps the photographer at a Actor Headshot photoshoot who told me "You're not the world's thinnest model". I'm NOT a MODEL, I'm an Actor for crying out loud! A size 2 ACTOR with talent, washboard abs, nice pipes & personality but still feeling as if my bod is not good enough.... what a messed up thing that is! And my physical self is just a vessel where my true self lives, so imagine how those words wreaked havoc my mind, my heart & my self esteem?

SO now.... Fast forward through a back injury, stress of life, stress of being a nurse, stress of shift work, stress of watching my loved one faltering with an illness, stress of over consuming time needed to be a full time student, while writing all that I want to write, all the lack of sleep... plus all the other things. Stress of doing it all mentally, emotionally, physically. Did I mention the ridiculous lack of sleep. The 8 hour Zoom classroom meetings, sitting in a chair in front of a computer all day... the lack of activity. MY brain is on overdrive but physically, ugh, not so much. KUDOS to those who have the time & energy to put their physical strength & physical self first. I respect that. I envy that. That is no longer me. I mean I try to get up hours before I must get out of bed to climb on the elliptical and lift to a Peleton Weight class but there are only so many hours in a day and I need to find time to give myself more than only 4 hours sleep a night. TO All of the things & circumstances & bad carb choices & delicious Wine choices that have changed by body to what it is today, instead of what it was in this photo - F U!

I look in the mirror, then I look at this photo & think, how could THIS have EVER been considered fat?! Why did I allow any negative words ever spoken to me by anyone? By what standards would the body in THIS photo be considered "hippy" or "pushing it" in reference to size of an actual full grown adult human being?!? How could I have not loved her unconditionally?

SO I devote my Transformation Tuesday to the things that are shifting in me that cannot be seen in a photo....

Loving myself unlike I EVER have in the past

Respecting myself as I deserve

Dropping the weight of shame that I have carried for decades

Dropping the weight of all the pain packed onto my shoulders by the memories of those who have hurt me

Finding my voice....

And Using it

Starting here.

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