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Perfectly Unpolished

I may or may not have mentioned that I've embarked upon a Winter Writing Retreat.

Well, I do know that I mentioned it here.

So what I really mean is,

You may or may not have read that info on a previous blog post.


Although I do hope that you've read this blog site from PAGE ONE,

it is ok if you haven't.

But just keep in mind,

like most stories this blog site also flows best when read from the beginning.


Anyway, back to my Writing Retreat.

I approached the writing today as a Stream of Consciousness exercise.

It was not what was specified by the Host but it was what my creative mind wanted to do.


As per Wikipedia, Stream of Consciousness writing is 'a narrative mode or method that attempts "to depict the multitudinous thoughts and feelings which pass through the mind" of a narrator'.


For me,

when I write from a stream of consciousness I don't go back and edit.

I leave it raw and real.

Authentic.

Bare.

Bordering on naked.

Blushing.

Perfectly Unpolished.


Our task for today was to reflect on the past year.

Here's where it took me...



When I think of the year gone by I hit a wall of blank space. No specific moments or memories rush to mind, but they do hit my heart. Heaviness, burden, guilt, ache.

Lost moments, almost forgotten. Or perhaps intentionally pushed away. Hidden.


Moments that I said “I’m Sorry” and all of the sorries that I never received in return. But I know that I did deserve them. That I do know. And I know these moments exist but I can’t see them in my mind, I can only feel them in my heart. Self preservation, self care, self love, naivety, call it what you will. And as I float in this blank space all of the smiles come trickling back to mind, the echoes of laughter audible, snowballing into elation. These moments, they lighten the load. Make it easier to carry. As I sit here searching for the gauge, a scale, some sort of way to measure the weight of the past year I come up empty-handed because I realize it is the past. And it is back there for a reason. I can’t change it, I can’t correct it, I can’t fix it. So why relive it?


So unapologetically, I won’t look in the rearview mirror of my mind for the visuals of those hidden moments, because either wanting or unwelcome I will forever carry them in my soul.


All I can do in this moment is move forward and with that abundance of knowledge I feel an effervescence of joy in my chest. It fills me with hope, like a blank canvas blissfully awaiting to be painted with the smooth strokes of a creative brush.




Cheers to all that we leave behind

and

Cheers to all the things that we are walking toward!

xo

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